Breaking free

i need to change! i finally realised that im a boring, lame, not adventurous teenage girl. wait.. that's even worst. i'm no longer a teen.and i spent my teen years being the most pathetic girl ever.. yes. i can live without boys. i'm good with that. i scare them away. but i can't help it. and what are my accomplishments that i can brag about? that i can show to my future kids.."ouh dulu mama blablabla" NOTHING people! NOTHING!

i just want to be good at something. be it studies, music, acting, musical instruments. u name it. but i was such a fool. i left tennis for what? piano. ok then i left piano for what? NOTHING. and now. im a complete nobody! i just gotta break free.

i can no longer stay in my comfort zone. i need to break free badly. but first i have to change myself. i cannot be the shy girl who refuse to do the things she like because of her low self esteem! the older i get the lower my self esteem is. and that is just devastating. i used to mingle around with people. but now, i tend to avoid people. i have nothing to talk about and my brain, my mouth seems to fail on me. and i don't know why. why am i changing into a person whom i thought i'll never be.

sometimes i avoid people. i avoid doing things i love. i avoid being a fun teenager! and for what? what do i get from my stupid attitude? nothing. i regret it in the end. but still, i never wanna learn my lessons.

i thought everything is planned for me. but little did i know, i need to get my hands dirty as well. i cannot just sit back and relax and let other people shape my future. i regret that i did that once. i let people do whatever they want with my life. now, i need to take charge.

but, the only thing that is keeping me from doing it is my self-esteem. because im never a size 2,3 or 4, i tend to think that "ouh, im not good for this.. or that.. IM GOOD FOR NOTHING" that's how pathetic i am. i think sooner or later, i'll be a depress kid. i just need someone to reach out to me and bring me out of this mess.

i need to find myself. i want to be a person who is good at something.. where people can go "Ouh, dyana is very good at blablabla" . i just need to find what's good for me. i need to break free.. *i notice that i've been using break free for so many times already. so you can tell how desperate i am.*

as for now. im struggling with law school. and my cousin once pointed out that i actually have no activity that i like to do during my spare time or to release my overloaded stress. ouh yes people. that's how pathetic my life is. yes i love korean entertainment biz. but that's just what i love. its not that i can dance nor sing like them~ i merely love them for who they are and how good their talents are. that's it. what is the activity that i love? see! can't u tell by now that im such a lame boring person. I NEED TO BREAK FREE!!!!

i think i need to start acting again. i need to polish on my acting of course. i never said that i was a good actor but i CAN act. well, i don't wanna brag but winning an award kindda push u forward. i think i can do it. people once acknowledge me. so i'm not that invisible afterall! but where should i start?