to let go

i know im very bad with giving my post a title. but im trying hard here people. yeah. i think i've wrote about three post including this for today. when im missing. you can never trace me. but when im up and about, you'll get tired of me. that's just me.

yeah. i don't think he'll ever read my blog. and god forbids he'll find it and read everything. my good friends, when i say good friends, its not only SE7EN but includes my good friends in kkb especially and tgb, uitm and um.. but!! today, i think the kkbians will have the advantage since they're with me when i had to go through the first crush syndrome! how i miss my 3C peeps.. *aqilah.. its not because u're reading this that i suddenly feel like mentioning you people here, it comes from the bottom of my sincere heart* yeah i do miss them. they're the ones who protect me from monsters and demons in kkb! yeah. believe it or not, back then during my time there were demons in the form of a human. and there were lots of them. and apparently, they're 2 years older than i am.

i remember how my 3C peeps kindda protect me from the evil eyes. we'd walk in a big group and they'll ask me to walk in the middle, though its very much impossible to hide me *since my figure is not a joke people!* but the thought that counts. they're being protective. they might not remember this. but i do. i keep this memory fresh.

well people, that's just the introduction! walla~ LONG HUH? if you agree that this is long, well i suppose you must be a newcomer! my friends are all used to the SUPER LONG post from me. if its too short, then that's weird.

ok~ you must be wondering why do i have all these evil eyes staring and why do my friends had to protect me. its because of that one particular person. yeah. the "I" guy. you people should know by now. duh-uhhh~ i've gotten myself into trouble with hrmmm.. seniors and warden because of him. but i never regret that. that's just a bittersweet memory that i hold on to. yeah i never forgive the demons who gave me a miserable life and for a 15 year- old- kid to bare the humiliation is just cruel and shame on you people. i hope i can protect that old me. but thanks to my friends, they lend me their shoulders to cry on.

after all the hardships *that's not the right word, but i couldnt think of any other words at the moment* what do i get from there? nothing! yeah, i've been fooling myself for so long. its about 7-8 years. i've been waiting for that one person. but who am i kidding. i'm not brave enough to say it to his face "u know what? i've been soo into you for the past 8 years. " *i cannot use "LOVING" because then it'll sound soo cheesy. * if only i can say that. then i'll rest in peace! i just want him to know. officially. i know there's no possible way that i can have him. we're two different people from two different continent! and not to forget, we're two different poles! im north. he's south! ouh wait.. if that's the case, then we'll attract each other.. ok i used the wrong example.. hrmmm.. the thing is.. WE'RE DIFFERENT! so i should let him go. from my memory. heart.

it is the most difficult thing to do. its easier said than done. my friends were telling me.. "dyana! let go. just let go" if only its that easy people. i'd do that long2 time ago. but he's always always in my head. all the time. and now, im starting to suffocate. i don't like this feeling anymore. i've been such a fool for the longest time a person could be one! i need to forget him. not to mention, i never have him in the first place but i need.. i seriously need to delete him. people might think i'm very loyal. but to whom? if its just my side who keeps clapping real hard, it won't benefit me in any way. i'll end up hurting myself. and if its not me who else will help me out?

my friends must be sick and tired of this "ouh dyana balik2 kalau blog mesti psal imran" and trust me people. i am sick of it too. i truly am. and i think i need to see a shrink. badly. ahahaha.. that's how bad it is. yeah i am still laughing over this issue but im a complete mess deep within. dila said that i'll forget him once i find the right person. BUT HOW CAN I FIND THE RIGHT PERSON IF MY EYES,HEAD,HEART NEVER FIND ANYONE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! i'm too busy waiting and hoping! i admit i watch too much korean drama and the effect now has finally taken its toll on me. yeah! happy now?!

i've reached out to durrah and seek for her help. she did give pretty good advice. no, they were excellent! i appreciate it. and again, if only its that easy. do anyone of you watch "honey i shrunk the kids?" i feel like shrinking some of my close friends and send them to my head immediately and untangle all the messy wires in there. i even thought of some stupid ideas. i want him to break my heart. badly. so that he can shussh me away. but durrah said my parents had taken care of me so well, why would i want some guy to break my heart. after giving it some thoughts, yeah she got her point.

i think, its true when people say. *its gonna get cheesy people. so beware* if you love someone, you just gotta let him go. well, since i never have him in the first place. lets just say everything here is happening in my head alright. when i say let go, i mean to let him go and never to think of him again. in my head!!! its gonna get real tough for me. i think, the only way to put a halt to all this is to actually talk to him. if only i stand a chance to talk to him one fine day. i'll just tell him. i hope i'm brave enough. and i hope im not in my shy2 cat mode when i get to see him. i need to be bold and beautiful! ahahhaa.. get it over with..i know he'll be taken aback. but im sorry. i couldn't help it. yeah. and im sorry that im a complete psycho. but he's a nice guy. the worst thing i expect from him is he'll walk away from me. just.like.that. before i could even finish talking.. but im pretty sure he'll never do that!

you see, this is me. i tend to gedik2 and fancy all this hot guys around. but. inside. its a whole different book i'm writing. my friend must have seen me as the most pathetic person ever. but im sorry that im a no fun and stupid kindda person. if only i can walk away. if only i can do that. i would. i would walk away and hit on some other guys. but im too stupid indeed. i admit.. i am stupid. maybe some of my loyal readers must have read alot about him in my blog. and i keep on repeating the same thing over and over again. but yeah! its all back to square one.. im too stupid to move on. its only your stupid crush dyana. don't be too stupid! just forget it! let it goooo!!!!!

till we meet again loved ones.